Self Fulfilling Prophecies.
They go like this:
You think you're bad, you're stupid, fundamentally flawed. You're too self indulgent. You think no-one likes you. You have a constant fear of rejection.
Therefore: You come across as sulky, self-indulgent, self-obsessed, mean.
Therefore: People tend not to like you very much, to find you difficult.
Therefore: You get rejected.
Therefore: You prove to yourself that you were right to think that you're bad and mean and no-one likes you in the first place.
Which makes you feel bad.
Therefore: You come across as sulky, self-indulgent, self-obsessed, mean.
Repeat to fade.
What a fascinatingly awful cycle of behaviour.
See, about two weeks ago I finally realised that most of my problems are entirely created by me. It's my fault there are arguments, because I create them. I create them because I feel unloveable. I take things the wrong way, assume people are being mean to me when they're not.
So I've been trying to stop it. I've been facing myself in the morning and trying to think of the good things about myself. I'm trying to stop starting rows and I'm trying to stop taking things the wrong way because not everything is my fault. I've stopped saying sorry so much. I say sorry so much I even say it to the directory enquiries lady when I ring up for a number. Which is, quite frankly, ridiculous.
I've been doing quite well. Two days ago I really quite liked myself. It was ace.
Then yesterday something happened which sent me reeling into the dark place.
And I dwell and dwell on it, on the injustice, the unfairness. Something more important happened for someone I dearly love at the same time yesterday but instead of being there for them, they ended up being there for me. They spent the evening trying to cheer me up and comfort me, all the while having to push their own far more real and considerable worry inward. Which is so wrong.
I know this, but somehow all the other things get pushed behind how bad I feel. But still I can see that what I am doing is only focussing on myself, (as usual) which is horrible because I hate myself for it but somehow can't stop it, and then before I know it I'm back in the downward slide.
I really, really want to fix it, and I don't know how. How do you fix a behavioural pattern like that?
