Trying to achieve at least one thing on my list of things to do whilst I am 30 has led me to investigate MA courses in Creative Writing, and to begin trawling the internet for advice on how best to start THE BOOK. So far, I've got THE IDEA and I've even started writing but before I get too engrossed I need to know what the general consensus of opinion about writing in the first person. You see, most of the time and in most of the things I write I use the first person, and not the third person. (I think that's right, but if it's not, basically I mean I like to use I thought rather than she thought.) And then, what about past and present tense? How easy is it to read something written in present tense? Does it sit better if I write: Slowly I walk down to the river, my shoes slipping on the still wet grass or if I write Slowly I walked down to the river, my shoes were slipping on the still wet grass.

Damn, now I'm not even sure if that''s right.

Hmmm.

Anyway....In my search for writing style enlightenment I came across this advice, posted on a board about creativity and specifically about writing a book:

1) You're using too many adjectives.
2) Message is for hacks - if you write the story, the message will be there.
3) "The cat sat on the mat" is a piece of trivia. "The cat sat on the dog's mat" is the beginning of a story.
4) You're still using too many adjectives.
5) You know that first page you wrote which set everything out, introduced the character, set the tone? Delete it. That's what the rest of the novel is for.
6) Don't tell me about stuff. Tell me stuff. Let me do the judging.
7) See that? That's an adjective you don't need. They're like roaches - let one in and you'll see more.
8) Don't sit down in fron of a blank page without a clue what you're going to say, and always leave yourself something easy to do when you stop at night, so that you have a gentle run in in the morning.
9) Not every page has to sing opera. You are allowed to rest for several beats.
10) Discipline.

Good writing about writing advice, and good writing advice, at that.

How do you know what you want?

How do you decide?

I always thought it was crazy to make 17 year olds decide what to do with their life. Make University choices. You can't ask a 17 year old what they want to be, how would they know? No life experience, no idea really of who they are even though they may think so. Yet they have to decide what they want to study, something that will affect the rest of their lives. Me? Back then I thought, 'Oh, well I'm good at Art, Music and Drama, so hey, I'll do Contemporary Arts.' No more thought than that. If you asked me now, it'd take a year to decide, and I still wouldn't be sure I'd made the right choice.

And then, what about the fact that the choices you make affect your life in so many different ways, a lot of them in ways you wouldn't begin to dream of even when you make them? If I do A, then B will happen. If B happens then C may occur. And what if you bring D, E, and F into the equation? Then what happens? Then how do you make the right choices? What if you never even knew D, E and F existed until the opportunity had presented itself and gone, until it was possibly too late? Until you couldn't rethink your choices, because they were out of your hands? And what if those things will continue to be in your life until the day you die even though you didn't choose right at the time?

Can you go back?

Can you re-choose?

Is this fretting a form of existentialism?

I tell you, it's a minefield.

And one I am still finding it difficult to navigate.

Recently someone I used to know rang me out of the blue. (Well not quite out of the blue since prior to the call we had been corresponding by email, MSN and text, but still, to say it was a shock would be somewhat underplaying the scene.) The last time we spoke would have been ten years ago, and in that time I have changed a great deal so it was interesting to me to hear that they sounded *exactly* the same. Now I'm sure they don't look the same, I know I don't. Older skin, older eyes. So I got to thinking; why is it that voices don't age? How can the rest of my body note the passing of time, yet my voice doesn't?

On the subject of voices, I have also taken up thinking about the personality 'voice'; the things I say or write. The subject of conversations which take place in reality (either on the phone or face to face) as opposed to online or by text. It struck me that the person I am online, for example here, is not the same as the person I am if you are face to face with me and giggling. The opportunity to censor yourself, present yourself in a certain manner, adjust phrases or change words is available in any textual conversation, something not present in real life. Things meant with a laugh in the throat or a smile in the eye can easily be misconstrued when written down. For instance, if I were to write this: very funny it would be easy to assume I am being sarcastic, and think that in fact I mean something isn't funny, but if you could see me as I fall off my chair whilst I write you would know that I mean it.

So is it possible to piss someone off textually when in real life emotions and reason and meaning are clearer? Is the person you see in the words the real one? Even the use of emoticons can't really express a true feeling, so we are left with a choice of words. But having choice in what you 'say' can become another gag, another way of stifling a true personality. For someone who worries about words, only being able to use writing to converse is like running one-legged. For everything I write I have deleted something else, and if I haven't done that I've hesitated and sighed, and pondered and considered. The end result in text conversation probably sounds pompous or *loud* or over emotional and unrealistic, but anyone who knows me would say most of the time I am grinning, silly, affectionate and a bit odd.

There, you see? Now I have made myself sound like The Fool, which was not how I meant to present myself at all...

I can see it would be very easy to send myself slightly insane continuing to think about this.

There are some moments that are made up of too much stuff to be lived at the time they occur.
John Le Carr�






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Out of the Mouths of Babes - Part One.

This is a transcription of a conversation I have just had with my son Harry as we were driving home on the A303, past Stonehenge. (Harry is 5.)

Harry: That's Stonehenge.
Me: That's right! What do you think it's made of?
Harry: Rocks.
Me: Yes, well, stones.
Harry: I know how they got them there.
Me: Do you? How?
Harry: They got some rope and they pulled them.
Me: Well done! You are clever. Did someone tell you that?
Harry: No I just knowed it in my head.
Me: Well it's a clever thing to know.
Harry: Yes. But Mummy?
Me: Yes?
Harry: How did they get them through?
Me: Through what Darling?
Harry: Through those gates Mummy! You *are* silly.

There seems to be a sudden spurt of lists concerning 'Things to do before you're 30'. I have noticed these lists on a television programme, in the newspapers and on the radio so I thought I'd make my own list (although mine will have to be 'Things To Do *When* You're 30,' since I currently am).

so:

Things To Do When You're 30

� Learn the names of all the British trees
� Learn the names of all the wildflowers
� Learn the names of all the wild birds
� Learn the latin names of all the plants in my garden
� Learn where all the countries are in the world
� Learn the names of all the Kings and Queens of England
� Learn the names of Henry VIII's wives Reciting divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived isn't acceptable.
� Learn how to play poker
� Learn how to read the Tarot
� Paraglide Once is not enough.
� Watch less television *Never* say 'what else can we watch?'
� Learn another language Minor abilities in French do not a) a good conversationalist make or b) count.
� Work out who I am.
� Work out what I want.
� Find a source of Sloe bushes so I can make Sloe Gin
� WRITE THE BOOK.
� Learn how to astral project
� Contribute to Barbelith instead of just lurking.
� Paint a picture a week.
� Be true to myself.
� Stop having conversations which go like this:

Me: Oh, I love winter trees, they're so beautiful.
Person who shall remain nameless: Mmm.
Me: You can see their skeletons, all the branches and twigs.
Person who shall remain nameless: Hmm.
Me: or like arteries and veins.
Person who shall remain nameless: Mmm.
Me: You can still see the shape of the tree though, even without the leaves, see?
Person who shall remain nameless: Mmm.

� Stop making lists and start doing the things on them instead.

I need a new view.

If I believe that time's arrow is not straight, and that now is both the future and the past, could this mean that the I in the future is helping the I now? Could it be that the things I will learn are being returned to me by me in order that I may grow?

In 'The Matrix' Neo has two choices. If he takes the blue pill that he is being offered, he will forget about the matrix and go back to his illusory but relatively safe and predictable life. Take the red pill, however, and he will see the world as it really is. The trade-off is clear: comfortable fantasy or harsh reality?

I wish I could transport my desk, my computer, my chair and me to a different place each day. Ready, steady, one-two-three and I'm looking out the window at Kynace Cove

In pursuit of happiness.

In considering the search for personal fulfilment and happiness, we first need to consider the definition of happiness. According to the dictionary, to be happy is: Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy but this does not satisfactorily cover it. For example, and at the most basic level I am 'happy' to have given up smoking, but today I don't feel very 'happy'. Clearly happiness as defined by the dictionary is not the pure form of the state, that which can be found through the learning of the Tao, or Kabbalah or indeed Yoga.

I have chosen this topic partly because of my rapidly growing interest in Ashtanga Yoga and the fundamental belief which underlies the practice of it. Ashtanga is the Sanskrit word for Eight Limbs (Ashta-eight, anga-limbs) and the eight limbs are as follows:

Yama-restraints
Niyama-observances
Asana-posture
Pranayama-breath control
Pratyahara-withdrawal of the senses
Dharana-concentration
Dhyana-meditation
Samadhi-realisation.

In Ashtanga we believe that in order to achieve enlightenment, one has to master all these limbs.

The fifth limb Pratyahara (withdrawal of the senses) means to turn the attention inward and I think for me this is one of the reasons Ashtanga has become so important to me. In this modern world we tend to assume that much of our happiness depends on things like wealth, pleasure, satisfaction and falling in love, but these are external physical states. Pratyahara is practised to make a person independent of these external stimuli and the objective is to discover the real source of happiness within us. In the physical asana practise for example, you are listening to your breath, gazing at specific focal points, holding internal locks (bandhas) following the flow of postures and you become totally absorbed with what you are doing. In other words you are directing all your energy back inside and creating a space for yourself that is completely detached from the outer world.

I think many people take up Ashtanga yoga initially for the physical aspects of it, maybe they suffer from a bad back, or perhaps they just generally feel stiff. But what tends to happen with people who practice regularly and become interested in the spiritual side of it is they become absorbed with the core principles of the practice. Ashtanga is not just exercise, not just about being able to bend your body into fantastic positions, although this is a consequence of regular practice. No, the 'point' of Ashtanga or the true subject of it is to achieve an inner awareness, to be able to observe the void within oneself and become a witness to our true nature. Eventually the aim is to realise that your individual self (atman) is at one with the divine self (brahman).

Pattabhi Jois, the Master of Ashtanga Yoga says �Partial yoga methods out of line with their internal purpose can build up the six enemies (desire, anger, greed, illusion, infatuation and envy) around the heart. But the full Ashtanga system practised with devotion leads to freedom within ones heart.�

Now I don't profess to be anywhere near the eighth limb, indeed I have much work to do and am far from it. But it has occurred to me that perhaps if we were all to follow Ashtanga and take its principles on as our life's path we might find ourselves less concerned with the pursuit of physical happiness, and in doing so suddenly find that we were surprisingly satisfied and content in our lives.

The certain and imminent death of a loved one has had a intense consequence for me; it has resulted in an uncontrollable personal sensual adjustment, changing the way I interact with the natural world. My once vague acknowledgement and flimsy awareness of all things beautiful has now become a sort of hyper-reality, an awareness of colour and texture and scent. These days the world to me looks cleansed by rain, the dust washed away, and my eyes cleared by tears notice the sharpness and contrast of everything I see. Smells have become stronger and the things I pick up feel overly large and heavy in my hands. Typing is no longer a rhythmic and unconscious action and has now become a conscious awareness of each and every brain signal, the decision to allow my fingers to press each individual key.

It reminds me of an article I read in New Scientist this week on the Thought Translation Device which allows completely paralysed or �locked in� people the opportunity to write by amplifying and dampening their brain waves in a way that allows them to select letters on a video screen and spell out messages. This technique is excruciatingly difficult to control, extremely slow (averaging about 2 letters a minute) and on some days the patients find they can�t control their brain waves at all, but given that the alternative is being totally unable to communicate it�s an enormous benefit to their lives.

Give a thought and make it so.

This consideration of the brain, coupled with my newfound awareness makes me think perhaps the here and now is the truest moment in my life and all the things I have previously aspired to or wished for in order that my life may become 'perfection' can now be allowed to float off into irrelevance. Maybe now is the beginning of a new consciousness for me, a new reality, a move away from the chronology of time and a step towards the concept of Kairos.