On University Being An Abstract Country Shaped Thought, And On Why Mothers Of Seven Year Olds Think They Know Everything But Appear, It Seems, To Know Precisely Nothing.

I have been duped by a seven year old.

I have, his Dad has, his Gran has, the beautiful man has. We've all fallen for what shall henceforth be known as 'conning-your-parents-itis'; a disease which manifests itself in the form of butter-wouldn't-melt smiles, general helpfulness and tears if told off even just a little bit when at home. 'When at home' is the crucial bit.

Because (so I was told at parents evening) it appears that at school there is also a seven year old who is kept in at playtime for not finishing his work, who is regularly hauled in to stand outside the staffroom if he actually does make playtime because he 'plays too roughly,' who won't apply himself, who is angry and cross and who actually spat at someone the other day.

I don't think I have ever, ever spat at anyone in my life.

On his good days (of which there are more than the bad, by the way) he's a top mathematician, ace at writing and reading, helpful, friendly to the littler children, artistic, creative and has a good imagination. Sometimes he gets stickers for picking up rubbish.

That's the good days. But apparently, his behaviour is 'erratic'.

Anyway, so I come home from parents evening and I front him up about it and he cries. His teacher and I have talked about this. She calls the tears 'guilty tears.' So I tell him this and he just stops instantly, flabbergasted. And I ask him why he's been behaving like this, but he doesn't know. Or he won't tell me. So I make him sit and write a page in his best handwriting on what he thinks he's done wrong, what he's going to do to address it, and his Dad tells him over the phone to write down five things that make him angry and cross and behave badly at school.

This is what he writes:

I had bin asked to rite this becuase I was beining horrid and in future I will think before I do anything and when im at school I will change my attitude from now on.

1. Ollie make me upset.
2. Work is boring.
3. Cose Ollie dose it.
4. I talk too much when im working.
5. Cose the big boys do it.

[SIC]

He asked me how to spell attitude, the rest is all his own.

So I do the big long talk about how school is very important and that he only gets one chance at it, and how that the way he behaves now will affect him for the rest of his life, and that it's not me he's letting down, it's himself.

And I mention University.

And he says this:

"Oh. I thought University was a country."

So here's what I've learned;

The Vital Parent Rules:

1/Your child is not telling the truth when he says school was 'fine' and 'nothing happened'.
2/Just because your child is sweet and good at home does not does not automatically discount him from turning into the Troll under the bridge on arriving at school.
3/It's got to be someone's child who is the naughty one.
4/If it is your child who is the naughty one, it's not another child's fault, and he's not being 'led into it'.

Finally,

5/Be clear. If you say someone's gone to University and you don't explain any further, it's likely your child will assume it's some far flung country.

I blame the parents myself.

Oh bugger. That's me.