The ghostliness of nothingness.

I don't have a list of three things, or two things or even one thing that is good about today. I don't have something clever to say.  I don't have a spiel about Feminism or a fancy little argument about the toys we foist on girls.  I don't have a deep rooted anger about supermarkets, or child-rearing or the lack of creative invention in a mono-culture, mega-factory based world.  I don't even have an inherent sadness and a willingness to detach myself anymore, which is slightly depressing; at least the overwhelming despair and secret plotting of self-destruction is an actual feeling.  This lack of anything is like being the pale grey mist on a drizzly Monday morning.

People keep emailing me.  Some of them are telling me they like what I write and it resonates.  That makes me sad, don't feel like me.  it's a crappy place to be.   Some of them are asking for advice (I don't have any).  Some of them are asking me to give opinions on things I genuinely wish weren't happening, some of them are cross with me for caring.  Some of them want me to pay them money I don't have and they're not even from Nigeria, they're real legitimate people with genuine monetary requests.

I'd like to go to bed and wake up somewhere else, as someone else, but ideally with none of my own memories too.  Someone else can be me. Like Orlando. I can be Orlando and Orlando can be me.


I'm failing at the list of good things about today so instead here is a list of some things I would like:

• Some really good smoked almonds from somewhere, like the kind I had in the Albert Hall.  I found the company who make them and I emailed them and they said I could buy 3kg for £40.  That feels like it might be a lot of smoked almonds.  Excessive, maybe.

• Some more commissions.

• For the car to stop breaking down ALL THE ***** TIME.

• Marmite crisps to be readily available in all supermarkets.

• My knee appointment not to have been put back another week.

• Not to always feel stuck in the middle and not really much wanted. I'd really like to have an actual value.

• A good night's sleep.