Doors to automatic

Sometimes someone says something to you and it hurts so badly it rings in your ears. It makes your eyes smart, your nails make marks in your hands from the tension. It makes you so angry you can't speak and you just want to scream but somehow your voice has been taken away and who's going to hear it anyway?

Probably you're shaking.

Look out for that feeling if it happens to you. You'll know it when it comes. You'll feel hurt and angry and righteous and affronted. Look out for that feeling, and welcome it because its called the Truth.

And you don't like it, you don't believe it, because how the fuck do they know what you're thinking anyway? For a while too you're in denial, you just want to stay in your bubble, because its much easier there with your calm lies and gentle reasoning. (If someone screams in the bubble and no-one is there to hear it was there really a scream? )

Without the bubble the world is a horrible scary place full of...thought. Rawness. Picking at the sores of love? Elation. Devastation. Or even just emotion, which is bad enough because you've tried long and hard to shut it down, to close it off, doors to automatic and cross check.

You see, without the bubble you might actually have to do something. Be something, change something. Paralysed with indecision isn't the place to be when the soft walls are no longer there to support you, when you don't have your blinkers on anymore. And you know that if you step outside you might discover an inner melancholia you didn't even realise you had.

You might.

So you stay there, Lalala with your fingers in your ears pretending not to hear, desperately pretending not to hear and not to believe it because if you do you might actually have to start living, breathing, really being.

And stop just existing instead.